Casey left for California today. He caught up to me in the hall before my third class, and he tried to talk to me...i think he reached to touch me, but i said "nuh-uh" and walked into my room. and he luckily did not follow. the he texted me and asked me why I was being an ass to him.... I apologized and tried to explain that i can't handle being around him. i didn't go into reasoning because I dn't want to talk about it. And he told me that he wanted to say goodbye before he left for Cali...so of course I asked why he was going and he said i obviously don't care...which is true, but i was trying to be polite. And then he was just like bye. I don't remeber what else I said...damn short term memory loss...
i don't have much to talk about.

So today was alright. just a day I suppose...Cody says that a lot. "it was a day" AP studio was normal. Although I did start painting today. that was alright. And i actually talked to someone in there today. Mazey. I don't even know how our conversation got started. but to be truly honest, I never really liked her. but I did tell her some secrets about Casey. Like how he held me at knife point, and how i denied that to the school counselor when he brought me in and asked me....but now i think I should have told the truth. Casey, again, texted me during school, and he asked what I was doing for lunch. i didn't give him an answer, i just asked why he wanted to know, and he just replaied with a "just cuz' Which is annoying. I hate him. And i texted him.. 'What do you want from me' and he never answered. So i don't know what is up with him. but he needs to understand that I am not putting up with his fucking drama this year. this is my LAST year, and it WILL BE my BEST year.

Lasting Effect

So casey of course had to come up to me today. i even had a dream about him last night. He scares the life out of me. He texted me before school this morning and all he said was "What a day huh?" And i felt my heart shatter and stop beating, and i couldn't breathe for about five minutes. You would think that I could handle being around him. I don't even know why i am so scared of him. all he did was hold a knife to my throat.....Of course when knives are your biggest fear.... well you get the picture. So of course I knew as soon as he texted me that he was going to come up to me at school. And so after I got out of my Econ class there he is, and he walks up to me, and by this point i was hyperventilating, and he says "hello" I almost fainted from fright. And then I say hi and he asks me how my summer was and I just told him I don't want to talk about it, and he looked at me...i think, I tried very hard not to look at him for fear of dying, and then he said okay and walked ahead of me. It took me an hour to calm down.
I wish he had gone to some other school. Why did he have to ruin my life? I wish there was a way I could tell him to leave me the fuck alone without actually saying it to him, or something...a restraining order...but that would just become a pain in the ass, and would end up in court and I don't want to have to deal with that....
I am dying right now. My heart feels like it has collapsed. I am alone, and very lonely. I don't know what to do right now...
In about 40 minutes I will be headed toward the YMCA to work out and right now that is exactly what I need. I need to sweat off some stress, and fright....
I talked to Jana today. She said she missed me over the summer, yet she has done nothing to prove it. She hasn't even come up to me and talked to me. I know she isn't shy, especially around me. I am still shy around her, for who knows what reason, but come on, I slept i her bed and we were naked, you would think we could walk up to eachother and talk. And honestly I can do that. i have done it, but she is always with someone who is not my friend, who I can't talk around....
I am in love with Jana. I dream about her practically every night minus last night, and they are always about us being together...and well having babies. Never about sex, which is good. I don't like sex dreams they freak me out when I wake up.
I don't understand why she has the power she has over me. She is one girl. One teenage mother. one very gorgeous, blonde, perfect girl, whom I can't push out of my head, or my heart. She is the ONLY girl I have ever loved, the only girl i have ever felt drawn to in this way, and honestly I don't want to feel this way, not for her, or any other girl. I used to think it was an envy thing. that I wanted to be like girls that i found attractive. and for most that was EXACTLY it. I just wanted what they had. I wanted to be thin, or pretty or smart or artistic or whatever, now she has nothing I want in myself....I want her.....and i don't want to be like that.
I am not homophobic, believe me....I am far from it. Curious sometimes but really I just always invisioned marrying a man and having kids and whatnot. But when you throw her into the picture...
I can't stand my life..
I am giving up as of now.
My life will consist of...
Edward,
YMCA
Art,
School,
Music,
Church,
and Family.....
I hope this lasts.

School Tomorrow

So school starts tomorrow... i am not excited really. Not to mention I have to break up with my boyfriend sometime after friday...I don't know why I am waiting. it would be better if I didn't but yeah..I might wait even longer. I am not good at the whole breaking up thing. I try to avoid it.
I just finished reading Breaking Dawn By Stephenie Meyer...I felt so many things I couldn't even begin to put into words. The entire book was a surprise. Well not the entire thing. but after a few chapters I ahd no idea what was coming.
Anyway, that was probably the hilight of my summer.
Like I said school starts tomorrow. I will try to embrace the good aspects of that. but for now I think I will go wallow while I still have free time.

Wow summer is about to be over in a week and a half, and not much has really happened. However the girl i mentioned in the last post, Jana, did become my best friend, and i did fall in love with her. Unfortunately, by the middle of the summer we stopped talking for some reason. However, school starts soon, and we will probably reconnect. I hope we do anyway. i miss her smile and laugh and well everything.
I am a completely different person than i was when school ended. Much more of a girl. I feel prettier... sorta.
I love how Jana always made a point to tell me how pretty she thought i was and how unfat she thought i looked. Funny girl.
Anyway,
I am not in love with the girl anymore..I hope.
I have a boyfriend, he is 30... i don't love him. I wish i could love him, but i don't know how to end it. And he is madly in love with me. Wants kids, and marriage. And i just can't deal with that. not with him, he is so redneck, it kills me. I am a priss, how can i deal with that. I am a SMART priss, and i am always having to correct him, and its annoying.
Anyway...idk what to say now.

Finding a way...

I haven't been on in a while. Not that it really matters since no one reads this but me. but whatever.
Life has been really stressful, and depressing lately.
Not much to really talk about.
I started my mural last week. It isn't even close to being HALF way done.
The girl who works with me the most..Jana,
she makes my day so much brighter.
i would say I am in love with her, but I don't know her well enough to really know that.
I wish I did know her.
She could be my best friend,
I want her to be my best friend.
i need a new best friend.
don't get me wrong, I love my best friend. But I can have more than one best friend. And i think Jana would make a great addition to my lonely life.
i could see myself hanging out with her.
And loving her baby too.

School has become the time of day i wish I could skip.
I love school, i always have, but now it seems like a chore. and i don't even know why.
I am just so depressed i don't want to get up out of bed to get there. i find myself wishing i was in a deep coma. Maybe someone can hit me in the head hard enough....
or maybe not.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
I am working towards getting into Yale University right now.
I need a scenery change and Connecticut is just the place. great weather, great food, great school, great people. Sounds like just the place for me.

I am trying to find a real way to be happy, but right now things are just not working out for me.

I am going to be taking the ACT in two weeks, and this test will determine if I can go to yale or not. I am literally praying to the Lord above that all the knowledge that I know is stored up in my brain will come flowing out on that day. That I will at least get a 30. if i get a thirty, i will be pretty much set. My true goal is a 32. i know i can do it. how can I not? My mom keeps telling me that i can do it, if that's what i want, that i shall have....
I sure hope she is right, cause I have got to get away from this place.
I need to explore for the first time in my life.
how can you be an artist and not explore?

i need somewhere to be, somewhere to go, somewhere to finally see happiness through my own eyes. And i know where hat will be.
i am not afraid of getting scared. i have come to terms with the fact that, heck, college is a scary place for me. it will be completely different, but I know I am going to love it so much.
i just don't want to have to wait. but then again, I know I need this next year, or else I won't be ready.
And to think I wanted to graduate early and start when i was sixteen. How naive i was.

Wahoo! Yeah right!

So of course my life is really crazy....
my best friend won't talk to me, because he is in love with this girl, jana, who happens to be really cool, and gorgeous, and well....It sucks, because I miss him.
tomorrow is my birthday..YaY!! nooot!!! Nothing fun is gonna happen, so i am just counting until i can see a good movie.

I wonder....

General AdviceLong distance relationships can be challenging. You cannot easily kiss and make up after an argument or disagreement. There can be frustrations from things that other couples do not have because you are not physically with Scott. Being in a long distance relationship can be lonely and trying. If it is just a temporary situation, you can justify it in your mind, and it will be easier to get through it. However, the more long term situations are very tough and require a great deal of effort. Issues of jealousy, insecurity and a feeling of disconnect are just a few of the many problems and emotions that may arise in a long distance relationship. If you and Scott are wondering if you two can survive a long distance relationship, then you both need to be prepared to openly and honestly answer the following questions: "Do you want to remain in the relationship or not?" and "Is it worth it?" If you and Scott agree to answer "yes" to these questions, then you are on the right track. Don't buy into the myth that a long distance relationship is the one way test if the relationship is worth it. Truth is a long distance relationship is very different from actually being able to live with your partner on a day to day basis. The time when you two are apart, may test your relationship, but it should never be the ultimate test.
Specific advice based on your responsesYour high test score shows just how in love you are with Scott. You and Scott would have no problem surviving in a long distance relationship. However, you may want to do a bit of a reality check. Could you be overly attached to Scott? Be careful because he may need to breathe. When we long too much for another person who is away, we miss out on doing things we love, we wait by the phone, or we live for the moment to be together again. While this is great in romance novels, the truth of the matter is that, in real life, it is unhealthy. Do not give up your own life by sitting around waiting for your long distance lover to move. You and Scott both understand that for things to work out over long distance it takes effort. Keep up this effort; Scott is worth it.



General AdviceInfatuation is defined as a fascination that's shown through surface attraction to another, and characterized by its relative shallowness. The feeling of infatuation usually appears quickly and passionately, but it can disappear as fast as it can come. Infatuation usually leads to extreme behavior that is not lasting or meaningful. If you feel that you Scott consistently communicates these feelings, then you should communicate your concern for him. If Scott is worth it to you, then let him know that you want the relationship to move beyond mere infatuation. REALationships consist of physical and sexual attraction, but they must have more substance than what is on the surface. Respect and admiration are also important qualities. It is vital that you and your partner agree on issues such as religion, saving and investment vs. spending, moral values, common backgrounds and upbringing. Some of these will have "non-negotiable" parameters attached to them, for example, "I'm not willing to be with someone who doesn't want children," or "I can't have a relationship with someone who uses drugs." When one partner is unable to see any alternate acceptable compromise, this is considered a non-negotiable aspect and this could be a "deal breaker" for the relationship. Be able to disagree and work out ways for you to both compromise and problem solve. Communication and problem solving skills are essential in order to be mature partners.
Specific advice based on your responsesBased on your test score you and Scott have something extremely valuable. Time spent together is a great experience for you. It may be hard for you to imagine yourself without Scott in your life now, and you see yourself being a part of Scott's future as well. Your love has grown in spite of each other's faults. The Relationship Expert Team of REALationship.com would like to congratulate you and Scott. You and Scott are highly capable of growing in the relationship, even through rough patches and the inevitable changes that will take place over time. Be sure to continue practicing those essential skills over the life of your relationship so that it's allowed to grow and change. It also never hurts to remember the small things like going out to eat, buying gifts or flowers. Scott is worth it, appreciate him.

General AdviceFor most people getting married is the most important decision one makes. With divorce rates as high as they are these days, it is crucial that this decision be made wisely. Individuals should approach this decision with the intention of remaining in a committed relationship for the rest of their lives. Several factors are important in determining the readiness of the couple. First, it is important for the couple to have clarity regarding each other's expectations of the relationship. By communicating and understanding each other's intentions you will be more prepared to deal with important matters. Second, recognizing the level of commitment and emotional connection are also critical in taking the relationship further. Remember that feeling emotionally secure and stable during the dating phase is a good determiner of how emotionally connected a couple might feel in the marriage. Getting to know each other by establishing a stable and secure friendship is still one of the best ways to secure a successful marriage. Ask yourself, "Can you see all of your expectations being met by Scott?"
Specific advice based on your responsesBased on the test score Scott shows signs of someone who is a great fit for you. Scott would be considered great marriage material. It might be time to start talking more seriously about the relationship, if you haven't already done so already. Perhaps it is time for a DTR (Define The Relationship). Scott seems to exhibit a high level of commitment and emotional connection to the relationship. his personality and character traits are very likely to encourage commitment and loyalty in your relationship. You should continue to communicate and invest time in getting to know each. Do not feel afraid when making an effort to move forward with this REALationship. It is very likely that Scott feels the same way you do. Scott is very good for you.

It has been a while since I have had the opportunity to sit down, and really vent or do anything really.
School ahs been tough and my relationship isn't goign very well. but unfortunately that is my fault. I am being stupid, and doing things I don't even want to be doing.
So I am done with all that. I will get back on my train tracks so I can be where I would like to be.
Some woman is coming to speak with me tomorrow about my mural..I can't wait to listen. I have a few ideas already and it is exciting.

lalala-ugh

So my stupid phone charger is completely broken, and it has been for a few days(soooo frustration) and so yesterday my phone finally died on me. And it made me sad. No one really understands how attached I am to my phone and how much I use it. It is important to my social life. Especially when my boyfriend lives in a completely different state as he currently does. Hopefully after school one of us will move to the others state. Not sure how that will work yet but hopefully it will because I really love him.
So anyway, my phone has been dying and I haven't been able to talk to my hon. I am dying.